Wednesday, September 26, 2007

How I Spent My Vacation

Just got home this afternoon from visiting my mother in New Jersey. "SPILL ON AISLE THREE!"

I spent so much time at Walmart's I felt like I worked there. I was trying to find pullup slacks to fit my mother and it was not an easy task. They have to go over her surgical stockings, over the knee brace, and also not fall down suddenly. The size I bought on trip two almost caused her to go to the emergency room because they cut off circulation. On trip three to Walmart I took her with me. We made it to the dressing room. Just barely. As I was pulling her pants over her ankles, she said, "You would make a good prostitute nurse."

She meant substitute nurse. We got hysterical. Later, when she was describing a gift basket she'd received that annoyed her, she said, "The pretzels tasted just like doorknobs."

(Because they tasted over varnished and bitter she explained.) Until then I was wondering when she'd been tasting doorknobs.

At the old folks home they'd remodelled the place and put the computer room in the basement, in an extended broom closet where you sit side by side with other telemarketers to do your work. Before it was upstairs in a lovely airy room. I don't have a laptop. The thinking is that most people, even the elderly, have their own computers now, if they have any chance of knowing how to work one.


linda said...

Sally, I think you need a vacation. I'm glad you're back. It was mean of all those pests to write those comments at the end of your last post.

Your mom sounds like lots of fun, but I still say you need a vacation. I know what you mean about multiple trips to Walmart! When I last visited my mom, a miracle happened. We found pull-up pants that actually fit. We bought 8 pairs for her in different colors. She said, "What if I should die before I ever get to wear these?" "I'LL wear them!" I replied.

I found out just now from my sister that she fell and broke her right arm sometime lately; I don't know whether it was the fault of the pull-up pants, but I imagine she did go to the emergency room. I THOUGHT she had been dropping the phone a lot lately. (She never mentioned breaking her arm to ME.) God, parents these days.

sally g said...

Glad you're back and your mom's doing well. Sometimes when we visited Dad he would be wearing someone else's shirt because the laundry workers got mixed up (even though we had to write his name in permanent marker on everything). Every time I get Mom something she says I'd better like it because it will be mine. Even one trip to Walmart requires a vacation afterward. Where Dad lived they had a computer but no Internet, just the same game over and over. It's great your moms can still talk to you and make sense!

Katy said...

Glad you're working at WalMart Sally, and have the photo to prove it. It must be a very liberal store; they let you wear sunglasses while saying "How can I help you/Have a nice whatever" all day long. Pretzels/doorknobs? genius comedy there, marvelous laughter here.

Namowal said...

"Those pretzels taste like doorknobs"- your mom's a card. :) I like her sense of humor, and how she was able to laugh off the prostitute flub.
Recently, on the way to a restaurant, my mom and I reminisced about a cockatiel I had named Quasi. Then she meant to say "let's order a plate of quesedillas," but she said "let's order a plate of Quasis!"

Sally said...

Linda, I picked up some pullup pants whose tags were snipped prematurely. Not keen on wearing pullups but I'll soon be in Colorado where the dress standards are even lower than here.

Sally G, I was reading a book on the airplane yesterday, RULE OF THE BONE, by Russell Banks.

Talking about his grandmother: "She has this habit of reversing how people are supposed to ask you about yourself so that it comes out she's really telling you about herself only you aren't supposed to know it and most people probably don't. Even I didn't until I got used to it. Like once on my thirteenth birthday my mom had a special family dinner and Grandma when she down at the table took my hand in hers and looked into my eyes and said, Did you ever think you'd be old enough to have a grandmother who'll be seventy-five in September?"

There's a lot of great writing in this book. I like the part before he gets to Jamaica best. I've almost finished it. The early chapters first were published as stand alones, and are very strong. You can hear everyone standing behind the author saying, "You should make this a novel."

Katy, the glasses cut down on the fluorescent glare. And hide my insincere greeter's smile. My mother has always been very, very funny.

Namowal, a plate of quasis for everyone-- it's on me!